How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it here to Jessica and Rich. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 22. We are happy, successful, have children, a white picket fence, everything. A while ago I had a dream that unlocked something for me.
I saw her kissing another man and I woke up, not jealous, not excited, but kind of resigned to the idea. It slowly morphed into the idea of offering her a “hall pass”. I don’t want to reciprocate, I don’t even want to know if she’s using it or with whom (I’ve also decided on other rules that don’t need to be listed here) – but the idea that she could be put in a situation that would result in her pleasure and can to use that with my consent (if not my knowledge), she is attractive to me. But I’m not quite sure how she would react if I made the offer. I can’t think of a way to just casually joke about it to gauge her interest. She’s not overly sexual, and she probably wouldn’t care, but she’s human with human desires. I need help deciding if this is a gift worth giving or just a stupid idea to forget before I accidentally destroy our marriage.
— Dream or nightmare?
Jessica Stoya: I just did a column about a guy who told his wife of 17 years about his old cuckold fantasy and she was so weirded out by it and thought he didn’t love her. The writer didn’t elaborate, but I assumed there was an element of shock because they’d been together for so long, and then he suddenly said, “By the way, I’d like you to have sex. with other men.” That can be really disturbing. So check out this column for a first-person perspective on how it can go wrong, just to factor it into your overall risk assessment.
Rich Juzwiak: The dynamic of this question is interesting because usually these questions are: “I want to have sex with someone else. How do I do that?” And there’s a real risk that people will admit that desire and what their partner will think and how that will change the relationship. This particular scenario, I would say, is quite unique in that the writer said, “Nothing I don’t want to. I don’t even want to know about it.” It seems that the pivotal event for the writer would be the very conversation in which he would pass on the ability to this hall to his wife, and then he would just live with the knowledge that he had given her freedom. It seems like a trivial conversation to me, but I know that people have different sensitivities.
Jessica: In heterosexual relationships, there is a strong historical framework of love as jealousy—jealousy and possession as the language of love. And this, I think, is why the wife of the writer I mentioned earlier felt that his sharing his fantasies was a sign that he did not love her. So that’s something I think is worth considering here as well. Maybe the way to sense it is not a joke. Because if you present it as a joke, it will be taken as a joke. Instead, why not start a conversation about what the expectation of fidelity means in their relationship?
Rich: Yes. Because while what you just mentioned is the idea that fidelity equals monogamy, in a consensual non-monogamous situation those things are not the same. Fidelity would be keeping the agreement. It doesn’t necessarily mean not having sex with other people. It means we have sex with other people on our terms. One could let go of the idea that monogamy and fidelity are the same thing, but that can be difficult for some.
Jessica: Every once in a while I wish I could include a visual aid. I will draw it in the air and try to describe it. A conversation tree might start with, “Hey, all this talk about sex positivity lately just makes me wonder what faithfulness means to you in our relationship.”
The wife might answer option A, “It just means honoring the agreements we have.” To which the letter writer might say, “Great. I have such a fantasy…”
Or option B: “That means monogamy.” To which the author may reply, “Where does it come from?”
Follow-up questions about this need to be done carefully to avoid a potentially explosive scenario, but there are ways to be like, “Oh, we never talked about why we chose monogamy. When we got together 22 years ago, it was just a matter of working out all those assumptions, and I’m really curious.” So coming from a place of curiosity and caution might help our writer get an idea of whether his proposal will destroy his marriage. And also these conversations, even if he chooses to keep his fantasy to himself, can be a really good way for the people in the relationship to rewrite what they mean to each other and what their roles and expectations are.
Rich: I would just be careful to actually explain the fact that they are not suggesting that the LWs themselves can have sex with other people. You have to get in front of that conversation and really bring it home, because I think a lot of people would suspect that when their partner comes up and says, “You can have sex with someone else,” that means, “I want to have sex with someone else, and I I’m ahead of the conversation.’
So you have to untangle it a little bit and go, “No, really, I just thought of it from a philosophical perspective, basically.” There seems to be an aspect of generosity, but it also seems like the writer is saying, “That should be a thing that is allowed. I don’t want anything in return. In principle, I think you could have it if you want.” You just have to be really specific with your words and really drive home the points. This is the nuance of the proposal, so you have to respect the nuances of what you’re asking for.
Jessica: And another thing that people tend to assume is that their partner is no longer interested in having sex with them, so they want them to get it somewhere else. So is the sandwich maneuver. When it comes to discussing the actual topic, “I find you so attractive. I love you so much. Here’s the situation, and I want to remind you how much you turn me on and that I want it because I’m interested in the idea.” Then just really hammer home the extra point: “I think you’re so hot. I will find you very much attractive.”
More advice from Slate
I’m a procrastinator; my partner is a handyman. At the beginning of this year, I had a meltdown about how to do my taxes. As motivation, my partner told me, “Do it and I’ll fire you.” Since my partner is very good at this, I immediately got to work, but was held up by some missing paperwork. Flash forward and the missing form is in hand. Pleased with myself for submitting, I mentioned to my partner that I would take the BJ at the earliest opportunity. They mocked!