Dear Prudence,
For a long time I hid what I thought was a harmless crush on my boyfriend (Jordan) but now another boyfriend (Alex) has told Jordan and Jordan is threatening me with a restraining order. I’m angry that I told Alex about my crush and that Alex betrayed my trust. I recognize that some of the things I did probably weren’t great decisions, but those actions didn’t hurt Jordan in the slightest if Jordan didn’t know about them. Now I’m torn because I’m afraid Jordan will call the police.
If they call the police, I’ll probably have to throw away all the evidence beforehand. But it is almost impossible for me to accept it. This situation is quickly spiraling out of control and I don’t feel like there is anyone non-judgmental I can go to for help. How can I make amends with Jordan in a way that honestly atones for what I’ve done while leaving open the possibility of us getting back together romantically?
— Hopelessly devoted
Dear Hopeless Devotees,
Don’t call Jordan. In fact, never call Jordan again. Do nothing (what did do you?) – except maybe to get a lawyer’s opinion because I can’t give you legal advice. You say you don’t have anyone non-judgmental to go to, and that may be because the situation legitimately inspires judgment. Instead, think of someone who you know cares about your well-being and wants the best for you. Tell them what you did and ask for support to stop it all. I cannot stress enough that dating is now completely off the table and you need to force yourself to accept that reality. If you are having trouble letting go, the next step would be to seek advice and help from a mental health professional (there are several directories where you can start looking). The sooner you can let Jordan go, the sooner you stop making “not great decisions”. Then you’ll be able to pursue your crush in a way that doesn’t inspire people to call 9-1-1.
Do you have a question about children, parenting or family life? Send it to care and feeding!
Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have a 21-year-old daughter, a 16-year-old daughter and soon-to-be 10-year-old triplets (two girls and a boy). We have a four bedroom house. Our oldest daughter is graduating this summer. He thinks about where he will live next. Her lease at the university ends in July. The triplets have always shared a room, but they are growing up. It’s time for my son to have his own room, which means my daughter needs to clear out her old room or share with her sister. It’s just a matter of logistics. I’m ready to just lay down the law and tell my daughter that all her stuff is going to be thrown into boxes in the basement whether she’s here or not. My wife says it’s too harsh, but we’ve been talking the same way since spring. Can I return some here?
— Space to leave
Dear Room to Go,
I’m confused (and I think you may not be completely clear either): Do you want to put your daughter’s things in boxes because the decision is taking too long? Or do you want to move your son into her room regardless of where he ends up? It seems to me that it might be the latter. And it’s not unreasonable that you prioritize space for minor children who have no choice but to live in your home over an adult child who has graduated from college. But the key is that you and your wife are on the same page and that you deliver any message to your older daughter. Try something like, “If you haven’t let us know you plan to move back in by mid-June, we’ll move your brother into your room and pack your things. You can still come home at any time, but we’ll have to come up with a new sleeping arrangement,” or “We hope you understand that we need your old room for your little brother, so we’ll clear it out, and if you want to come back, we’ll make room for you in your sister’s room ,” so it doesn’t feel like a punishment or a rejection.
This year marks a big change for your eldest, and your interactions during this time could determine how welcome she feels at home and how close she is to family in the future. I know you’re frustrated (and you have a lot of kids to deal with, which must be very stressful!) but try to focus on the long-term goal of maintaining a warm relationship with her. This will end up making you much happier than a quick and clear answer to her post-college living arrangements ever could.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for over a year and we see a long-term future together. He shares two children with his ex-wife (divorced for six years). They spend the holidays together as if they were a family. He notes that he enjoys spending time with his ex and children. And when I’m invited, I feel like an awkward fifth wheel. I grew up with divorced parents and got two separate Christmases etc. My parents were warm but didn’t spend time together. My partner says we should all accept the awkwardness of getting together and surrounding the kids with love. Am I wrong to feel discouraged by these holiday arrangements?
-The fifth round
Dear Fifth Wheel,
You are not at all right that they discourage you from them. And he is not wrong in the slightest when he appreciates and prefers them. In fact, he’s absolutely right not to let a new partner interfere with the routine he’s established for his children. This approach to loving children on special occasions is clearly important to him, and it’s something you should consider when deciding whether you want a future with him, just as you would seriously consider being with someone who he traveled everything. time for work, or didn’t celebrate holidays at all, or had a different approach to socializing than yours.
It is possible that you could be persuaded to accept the current arrangement. After all, his ability to get along with his ex and focus on the needs of his children really reflects well on him.
Holidays are only a few days a year. You can always celebrate with just the two of you on a different day and create your own traditions. And once you’ve been around long enough, you won’t be the awkward fifth wheel anymore – you’ll settle in and become a real part of the family.
But if you don’t get there, that’s okay. Celebrating Thanksgiving without the person your significant other was married to isn’t too much to ask, and it’s something that doesn’t even require conversation with the vast majority of people you hang out with. future.
Watch Prudie this week.
More advice from Slate
My co-workers are refusing to come back to the office and it’s getting ridiculous. I get it: COVID happened and yes, we “proved” we could work remotely because we still managed to get things done. But that’s it – we did it. We didn’t excel, we didn’t thrive, we weren’t nearly as productive as everyone pretended. I’ve had a few days where someone’s Zoom calls drop out, someone loses signal, or someone’s spouse/kid/dog is screaming/crying/barking in the background. It’s a nightmare. Also, as nice as it is to have flexibility, it’s seemingly unhealthy for the team because morale is low and everyone complains of depression.