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Dear care and feeding,
I am at a loss as to what to do with my mother. Nothing has ever been a secret in my entire life. If I somehow screwed up, my entire extended family would hear about it and then lecture me even after my parents did. It also went the other way: Whatever good I did, I heard about it from them too. It was exhausting. I have asked my mom many times over the years to stop sharing information. She didn’t stop. In fact, it got worse.
It’s not just my aunts anymore. It’s her group of about 10 girlfriends (some of whom I’ve never met or only met in passing). He’s her hairdresser. Sometimes I feel like a stranger on the street. This has now come to an upheaval.
I recently started taking some diabetes medication. It’s not semaglutide like Ozempic or something like that. It’s an older drug, although I lost a lot of weight on it. I asked my mom not to share information about my medical condition with anyone or to ask me first before I tell people. But now the first thing she says when she sees me is how skinny I look (there are some body shame/body dysphoric issues I picked up from her) and then she tells everyone in the room (quite literally each, like when I once said it out loud in a restaurant), how I’m in Ozempica – even though I told her I wasn’t. She knows I don’t want her to talk about my health issues! But she says she’s just happy for me and wants everyone else to be too. How do I talk to her about it (again) or accept that it’s something I’ll have to live with?
—I just want some things to be between mother and daughter!
Darling I just want
There doesn’t seem to be any way to talk to her about it again that would make any sense. He knows how you feel. He won’t change his behavior (or maybe he can’t?). So don’t waste your breath. And for goodness sake, this is not something you have to live with!
The solution to your problem is simple. Stop telling her anything.
Don’t tell her you’re on a new medication. Do not tell her that you have been diagnosed with an illness. After all, if you don’t like him sharing your news, good or bad — a promotion at work, a new relationship that makes you happy… or a professional disappointment or breakup — keep it to yourself. I understand that you want to tell your mother everything. But you can not. Not if you want to keep it between the two of you, because that’s something she she made it clear that she either didn’t understand, didn’t respect or couldn’t handle it. Find someone else to confide in – move on from your mother. (And I promise nothing, but it exists chance she’ll finally get the message if there’s an information desert: If she asks you why your conversations with her have turned into small talk, you can tell her. Maybe that will help.)
But my message to you is: What to change you do. Don’t expect her—or anyone else—to change for you. (I should probably have something like this emblazoned on t-shirts and stickers.)
—Michelle
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