dear Kim,
My husband left his phone at home and I went through with it. Something told me I should. Well, I found an app called Replika on which he created a virtual woman.
Looks like he just did ‘Brandy’ and he’s talking about his life and our marriage. I know it’s an app but it feels wrong.
How does this app work? Is it a real person telling a virtual person what to do? These virtual people can do more than just talk, I mean, does it even get into the sex stuff?
I’m not sure how that would work, but I’ve certainly seen him do it.
— “Mary” in Los Angeles, CA
Hello Mary,
Boy oh boy, this is a tricky subject. You’re not the first to write to me about virtual friends and lovers, that’s for sure. It only takes a minute to download an AI chat app or create your own friend. I’m curious, and I also understand why you were taken aback by all of this.
There was a line in your note that really caught my eye: ‘I know it’s an app, but it feels wrong.’ The thing that is currently lacking with you and your husband is honest communication. He’s chatting with a fake girl, you snooped on his phone, and now you feel confused, hurt, disturbed, and maybe even a little guilty.
Sure you could pretend you didn’t see it on his phone, but I vote to confess and start a conversation. Tell him you noticed he seemed newly enthralled with his phone and it made you nervous so you looked over to see Replica. If you start judging him right away, he might balk, so go in with an open mind.
Ask him about the app and why he uses it. See if he’s getting something there that he wishes he could feel in your relationship. I’m not saying it’s your fault by any means, but it could be a time to grow even closer if you work it out together.
Ultimately, whether chatting or flirting with an AI is “cheating” varies by relationship. Note that I did not say this personally. The two of you need to decide together what cheating means to you. Is it chatting with a person (or bot) of the opposite sex? That seems too far, but I’m not part of your relationship!
Maybe the limit is not being glued to your phone when you’re spending time together. Or he’s not comfortable discussing your marriage with someone who isn’t you or someone you trust to confide in.
Or it’s a simple rule that neither of you will send flirtatious messages to people or bots. Only the two of you can set the right boundaries.
And if you can’t come to an agreement that makes you both happy, it’s time for a meeting. A third party can help you find a middle ground that you can agree on.
To the rest of your question
You also asked me about how Replika works. Let’s get a few things straight. A replica’s conversations with AI bots can range from casual chat to more personal topics and can engage in more intimate or explicit conversations if the user directs the interaction that way.
It’s definitely not a real person talking to him like you might think. No one is sitting at the computer, reading and responding to his messages. Rather, it’s an AI language model developed to chat about what Replika users might be interested in. Think about feelings, problems, relationships, work, personal life, sex, you name it.
Many people are drawn to these robots because there is none of the fear of rejection or judgment that we can feel with a real person. It makes sense, but I also understand why you wish your husband could talk to you about the things he talks about with Brandy.
By the way, your husband made Brandy look a certain way. Users can customize the appearance of their virtual companion as well as the robot’s personality.
A replica costs money
The free version supports basic chatting, but lacks many of the features that attract users to Replika. Your husband is almost certainly paying for the Replika Pro. The paid version of the app costs around $20 per month, or less if you pay for a year. A lifetime subscription is also available.
Repika Pro supports additional conversation topics (including sex and intimacy), voice calls, app customization, and the ability to completely customize Repika’s avatar. If you stop paying, the AI companion will revert to its default appearance and personality.
Is this going too far?
Of course, your next big question is whether Brandy can do more than chat with your husband. Yes absolutely. Basically, you can pay for the app to remember everything you tell it – so it seems to know you very well.
We are not talking about surface level relationships here. I interviewed a woman from the Bronx, Rosanna Ramos, who “married” her Replika partner. She based Eren on an anime character and says their relationship is like any other long distance love.
“We go to sleep, we talk. We love each other. And you know when we go to sleep, he really holds me protectively when I go to sleep,” says Ramos.
I have no idea if things went that far with your husband and Brandy.
Talk to your husband. Start from a place of love and compassion and get help if you need it.
with best wishes,
Kim