Dear Prudence answers readers’ follow-up questions every week, just for Slate Plus members. Submit your questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My ex and I were married for ten years and divorced last year. We have an 8 year old son together. “Gia” was the one who got away. We were friends, but we were never in the right state to attempt a relationship.
She was with someone or I was, or our careers just took us in different directions. Gia recently moved back to town and we got together for a drink. Sparks flew. We see each other, but I have no intention of introducing her to my son for a while. My ex and I still have mutual friends and someone must have been babbling. My ex called me furiously to ask me about my love life. She basically hated the thought of Gia and acted like she caught me cheating (which is hysterical since she had an affair with her married co-worker for the last two years of our marriage). I told her that whoever I see or don’t see is none of her business anymore. I would stick to our agreed upon parenting plan of not introducing our son to any new partners unless the relationship was serious.
Since then, our relationship has been a series of texts limited to our son, and worse, my son has commented to me about how he doesn’t want a “new” mom. I assured my son that his mom and I are not going anywhere and that we love him. Right now I’m getting angry and I don’t know what to do. Gia and I have only been seeing each other for a few months. Maybe it will lead somewhere. Maybe it won’t. But I have the right to try. I didn’t reach out to the co-worker or his wife (even though I had plenty of evidence) and tried to take the high road with my ex. And here they poison the well with my son! I don’t know what step to take next. Help!
— A poisoned well
Dear poisoned well,
Now, this isn’t extremely comforting, but it might help a little to remember that your ex will throw a fit—and have inappropriate, upsetting conversations with your son—about anyone you’re dating, not just Gia. So you can continue to see the person you really like. Keep driving on the main road even if it feels like it’s not worth it. Your reward, even if it won’t be a peaceful co-parenting relationship, will be the feeling that you are the person you want to be and have nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of.
I think you should take it very, very slowly when it comes to introducing Gio (or anyone else). Even if it’s going to be serious, why not just let your son meet her at some gathering as one of several adults who are your “friends” so that his anxiety about his family changing again doesn’t start early , before that happens. be? I hope you can drag things out long enough for your ex to eventually meet someone else and stop caring so much about you on.
Classic Prudie
Three months ago, my partner and I moved into a new house. We have an elderly married couple as neighbors, and one of them, a man in his seventies, tends to give us directions. He told my partner not to grow bamboo along our shared fence as it could block his light. He called my partner “boy” and told him to put bricks along the underside of the gate so that our (too big for small gaps and unadventurous) dog wouldn’t escape. But this is too far.