Add sex strangulation to the list of all the things you wish you never had to talk to your teen about, but probably should.
Known as “choking” in heterosexual encounters, this is when a partner (usually a man) wraps his arms around the neck of his partner (usually a woman) and squeezes, restricting blood or air flow.
Sexual suffocation is no longer a practice reserved for deeply involved adults.
Indiana University professor Debby Herbenick, a leading researcher on sexual behavior, surveyed about 5,000 students at a large Midwestern university and found that two-thirds of women suffocated during sex, according to an excellent opinion piece by Peggy Orenstein in the New York Times. .
That this dangerous behavior — choking is never safe — has suddenly become mainstream should be a concern to anyone with a young person in their life. Sexual norms have been shaped by the widespread availability of certain types of graphic porn among minors, porn often based on male fantasy and misogyny. Young people who are just beginning to be sexually active, whether they have seen explicit videos or not, may come to believe that it is realistic, expected or desirable.
It doesn’t help that videos on social media offer instructions on how to do it “safely,” even though evidence is emerging that even short-term interruption of blood flow to the brain can lead to permanent damage.
While some women say they enjoy choking, others say they did it mainly to please their sexual partner, according to another study led by Herbenick.
This leads me to believe that even when consent is affirmed, rough sex that favors male gratification at the risk of harming young women has been so normalized that some women don’t question why they are consenting. The median age of first suffocation or someone else’s suffocation is 19, with women and gender minorities significantly more likely, according to Herbenick’s findings.
I wanted to know how a trusted youth health mentor might discuss this topic, so I called Haven Davis, a Minneapolis health educator who taught sex education at Southwest High School. Over the years, her federally funded work has led her to meaningful conversations with adolescents in school clinics.
First, some context: Davis reminded me that sexual activity among teens has been on the decline over the past decade; The 2022 Minnesota Student Survey shows that only 29% of 11th graders reported ever having sex.
Yet when he reads studies of suffocation among young people, he finds the trend lines are “shockingly high.”
Davis said she first heard about young people sexually suffocating in an anonymous survey about four or five years ago. The student asked Davis, “If a girl asks me to strangle her, what should I do?” she recalled. “It’s definitely something young people are thinking about and noticing. The question for me is: How did it make the leap from an activity that’s considered more extreme to a behavior that young people are normalizing?”
He says that just as health educators are trying to get ahead of this troubling trend, parents and other caring adults also have a huge role to play.
Davis offered several suggestions to these adults:
• First, aim for a conversation that leads to further communication and connection. How can you keep this person in your life talking to you? Let them know you won’t judge them for their choices. For people experiencing sexual harm, having a trusted adult in their corner is “a powerful protective factor,” Davis said.
• It is perfectly fine to state your values ​​regarding sexual health and what you would expect from a healthy sexual interaction. Break down rigid gender stereotypes of male dominance and coercion of women. Talk early and often about consent and the importance of setting boundaries. You can kick the smothering trend and say, “I don’t think that’s right. What do you think?”
• Present them with accurate and scientifically based information. Researchers are beginning to see links between choking and cognitive impairment and poorer mental health. Strangulation can lead to brain damage. It is not enough to tell children to refrain from certain behaviors without explaining the reasons behind them.
Finally, don’t panic if you’re not sure what to say.
“A lot of adults go into these conversations thinking, ‘I need to have all the answers,'” Davis said. “But you can have really amazing conversations just starting with the sentence ‘What do you think?'”
Many teenagers today may think that choking is normal. But as adults, we can help push back the norm and keep young people safe—one conversation at a time.