Football and music are married. Two social flags eternally intertwined in the heart of the country. There is a huge age difference—about 50,000 years — but they make it work.
There are many musicians who are/were skilled footballers—Bob Marley, Robbie Williams, Serge Pizzorno, that boy from One Direction. Likewise, some outstanding footballers are talented musicians.
With festival season well and truly underway, we thought we’d put together a supergroup of footballers who would actually make a half-decent band. Look, they won’t be winning any Mercury Music Prizes anytime soon, but this band doesn’t need another silverware anyway, to be fair.
Ruud Gullit: Vocals
I won’t lie, there are better singers, better rappers out there. However, in the 1980s, Gullit released a few singles and LPS and looked damn cool.
On the 1988 single “South Africa”, on which Ruud was featured, time of revelation the Dutchman seems to have contributed very little—some backing vocals that are hard to pick out—but that’s okay because he’s got a mustache and dreadlocks and looks classy.
Looking mint and having astronomical levels or aura are far more important than singing ability for any self-respecting bandleader, which is why reggae rizz Ruud Gullit is front and center in our supergroup.
Leighton Baines: Guitar
The Modfather of Merseyside probably isn’t into reggae, but he’ll damn well do what’s best for the band. Baines is on the beat, nudging those unusual beats like a badass.
Baines is friends with Alex Turner and Miles Kane— good to know in case we need to borrow some equipment.
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Slaven Bilic: Guitar
The Croat is a well-known dad-rocker. He plays lead guitar in our band, stuffing little lollipops here and there to add color to Ruud’s vocals.
At some point, he’ll go on a crazy solo without any warning and everyone will be pissed off, but there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Spinal Tap vibes from the big guy.
Alisson Becker: Bass guitar
The Liverpool stopper actually plays an old six-string guitar, but with those big goalkeeper hands, we think he could handle the bass. There is a video of the Brazilian banging the rendition Alleez, Alleez, Alleez! when introducing the kit.
Why didn’t they name the song Kloppodile Rockor even Coppodile Rock we’ll never know, but it’s true.
Petr Čech: Drums
Goalie on bass and Goalie on drums. A rhythm section tense as a nun’s habit fresh out of an old drum dryer. If you haven’t heard Cech’s music on Spotify, please listen. There really is something.
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TRY THE QUIZ: Can you name every German player who has scored 10+ goals in the Champions League?
Nobby Solano: Trumpet
The Peruvian winger’s trumpet skills were legendary but not always popular, as Solano told FourFourTwo:
“I don’t think Bobby Robson would be too keen on me playing the trumpet. He didn’t know about it when he first took over as manager, but he soon found out when I called him one night and played the phone. I’m not sure he was too amused.”
Calling your boss to play the trumpet on their phone is a crazy thing, and that’s why Nobby is in the band. By the way, we’re a ska band now.
Alexis Sanchez: Keys
Sanchez played the piano in his own video when he signed for Manchester United. It’s actually pretty classy. In our band VA-Ska* on the third wave, we certainly have room for some synths. Welcome aboard, Alexis.
*Like VAR. VA-ska. Because it rhymes, unless you’re American, Irish, Bristolian, Welsh, West Country… Actually, forget it.
Patrick Bamford: Violin
I don’t really know what Paddy Bamford brings to this band. We may have to rethink our musical direction. Maybe jazz. Jazz fusion. That’s it, now we’re jazz fusion and Ruud is scading like crazy, Alisson is now playing bass and wearing a suit with an unbuttoned shirt. Hell yes. It all goes together.
Dion Dublin: The Dub
Why not? Who the fuck is this? Apparently DD also plays the saxophone. Maybe we can get him on that instead. But you can guarantee that Dubea is lurking on stage somewhere.
Pat Nevin: The Decks
We can’t have a football band without Pat. We stick him on the decks like that guy from Linkin Park or the geezer from Limp Bizkit. Nu-metal jazz fusion. and what? Say something. We just want to justify RIPPIN SOMEBODY’S HEAD OFF!