Dear A&E,
I am an incredibly proud mother of a two-year-old girl, whom I gave birth to at the age of 46 with the help of my husband’s sperm and a donor egg. We are so grateful and excited and… words cannot describe the joy.
The only fly is… other people. The questions they ask, their assumptions, disagreements, and actual lectures about the “too old” and “unnatural” process. I just don’t really want to share our story at the dinner table, and I certainly don’t want to stand up to people who could/should keep their opinions to themselves. How do I deal with this without causing a scene or being rude?
– Proud mom
Dear proud mom,
People are funny, right? Maybe it’s the “all/naked” culture we’re in, but they feel extremely entitled to personal information and equally entitled to share their unsolicited opinions on anything they discover.
It’s interesting that you feel it would be impolite to set boundaries and talk about something that is so personal and dear to you. You are allowed a private life. This does not violate any written or unwritten social rules. You are absolutely within your rights to use the time for any conversation you deem inappropriate; any questions that make you feel uncomfortable and any judgments that are placed on you.
You’re not saying that you absolutely refuse to discuss the circumstances of your daughter’s birth – in fact, you’re “incredibly proud”. You never say never. You quite sensibly say that when people roll up their sleeves, lick their lips, wash their hands and get busy, you find it distracting.
So many women and fertility is a distraction, proud mom. Don’t get pregnant, they say, it will ruin your life. Hurry up and get pregnant, they say, before it’s too late. Tick tock, they say. Oooh, a little old, they say, tut-tutting, when we slide it under the wire. She observed. He judged, damn it. “Did you leave it this long because you put your career first?” they ask, “Or were you just too picky when it came to finding/landing/capturing/capturing a human?”
And then bumps and babies are somehow considered public property, making us feel like vessels, which is also pretty dangerous these days with Roe V Wade and all that awful jazz. It’s no wonder we get defensive – we’re wired to feel this way.
You have no obligation to justify your place in the world as an older mother, and you certainly don’t have to justify your child’s existence. Once you get into the area of ”the most important thing is that my child is very loved” then you are headed for some kind of excuse and everything feels weird.
So let’s say you’ve experienced your own mini-miracle, and miracles make people curious. Yours will be an inspiring story for many and people will have their opinion – the downside of your miracle. But just because your situation raises a curiosity doesn’t mean you’re obligated to satisfy that curiosity. You are not a walking and talking public service announcement. As naive as it would be to think that people won’t ask, there’s nothing in the manual that says you have to say that.
Once we accept that people will be curious, we need to be prepared for incoming questions. Remember that sometimes the interrogations will bother you and sometimes you won’t. Don’t let your knee-jerk nervousness get in the way of those beautiful occasions when someone in your family is simply happy.
There are ways to deal with it without launching into a lecture – “Oooh, she’s a bit touchy. Probably really tired. That’s what happens when you have a toddler and you’re SO OLD” – but still be clear about your boundaries. You might light up and say, “We were just as surprised as you are!” You might sigh and say, “To be honest, I’m getting a little tired of talking.” You can be honest and make it clear that it’s private and you’d rather not discuss it and you’ve seen it Alma is not normal because it is bliss. You can say or do whatever you feel is right, but it’s always wise to be prepared for an emotionally sticky topic like this. Raise your hand, proud mom.
Once you get into the weeds of the judgments people make, you can change the subject again or you can gently tilt the mirror to the type of person who is claiming how you choose to live your life…. “But when she’s 18, you’ll be 350. Is that really fair?” You may say, “How does that help?” Or you can be gentler and say, slowly and calmly, “Are you okay?” or “Can you repeat that please?” Because often when people actually hear what’s coming out of their mouths, they shut up.
We cannot control how people react to us. We can only control our reaction. And what they think of us is none of our business. Don’t go through life worrying about it. You have your little girl. And all these modest agony aunts have to say is: you are doing well.