How to is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it here to Jessica and Rich. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to,
My husband and I recently came out in our social circle for our “extracurricular” sex life.
We have been living the swinging lifestyle for several years now. We were a little more active before kids and now that we’re out of kid’s jail we’ve dipped our toe back into that lifestyle. We have a great marriage and sex life – a great partnership.
We’ve always been very discreet about it. We never played with any couples or singles in our immediate friend group. We’re still not entirely sure who leaked the information or how, but we live in a small town and now all our friends seem to know our little secret. My husband was even confronted by one of his semi-religious friends who got mad at him and questioned his “manhood”. My husband was more reserved than I would have been. We try to laugh it off, but I’m still pretty upset. How do we navigate it?
-Swing and Mrs
Rich Juzwiak: My advice is to keep laughing. Don’t let them get you down. If you change your behavior for these people who know nothing about your life, you are letting them control what you do and that would be a huge mistake. It seems a lot more fun to swing and have sex than pandering to sex negative people who will yell at you for it. Select an option and choose the first one.
Jessica Stoya: And Rich solves it in about 75 words.
Rich: We’re going there.
Jessica: I would add that as someone who has had a very public extracurricular sex life, you just have to land and people get used to it. Then something else comes along that is shiny and new and they judge that instead.
Rich: Exactly. People will bore you. I can relate to this because I felt a lot of societal pressure in my 10s and 20s to be straight, and ultimately it’s just how you want to live your life.
I don’t blame people who actually cave because it’s really, really hard to survive and be okay sometimes when people judge you like that. But at this point I just don’t see any other way. You are an adult and in many ways you are more mature than the people who criticize you. You would back down if you actually listened to them. This is your immediate life situation, so I suppose these interactions are somewhat inevitable, but these kinds of situations show you who your friends are, and you seem to have no shortage of social opportunities. So maybe the people you rock with are your real friends, or there are real friendships to be made with people who get it.
Jessica: Yeah, it’s definitely helpful to lean on people who don’t make you feel like an alien to offset the feelings that come from being ostracized. And the good news is that they are out of juvenile detention right now. So in terms of potentially hitting the kids, by the time the kids are old enough to notice, the town has most likely distracted and moved on.
Rich: Yes. Next, I would handle it by being unapologetic and non-explanatory. I mean, when people know what’s going on, then they know what’s going on, and you don’t have to say anything about it. You can diffuse it best by simply not participating.
I would also consider being a resource for people who might be interested or interested. There’s probably someone in the pack who isn’t laughing at what you’re doing. It is possible that many of them are secretly jealous. So people have questions and want to talk about it. I’d say you can figure out where they’re coming from to the best of your ability and decide if it’s worth talking to and providing information or just dumping them.
But mostly anyone who makes fun of you or is rude to you isn’t worth the fun. I understand why you would want to return it, but your husband probably played it perfectly with the quasi-religious boyfriend. The older I get, the more I understand that you want to complicate your life as little as possible by reacting to people. You can’t really swing your arms around because it might just make it more difficult for you. So just nod and get them out of the way. It makes your life easier.
Jessica: And you also want to avoid a reaction, because even though you’d think adults would have grown out of it, the reaction is still exciting. The reaction is blood in shark-infested waters. Sometimes it makes people suspect that you’re not really as happy with the thing they’re giving you trouble as you say you are. There’s the simple fact that for a lot of bullies, poking and getting that kind of reaction is still fun. So try to imitate your husband. Look up relaxation breathing techniques online. Square breathing is helpful for me. Work on ways to get control of your nervous system when you feel yourself about to react and don’t give it to them. Basically, as cliche as it is, take the high road.
Rich: It’s a cliché for a reason. You don’t even have to think about the karma of it all. Unless the sexual negativity becomes so overwhelming that you need to focus on something else. In that case, you can then create a pyrotechnic show. But I don’t recommend that. I think your life is a lot easier if you don’t respond.
More advice from Slate
I am a woman in a wonderful, long-term relationship with a man. Our relationship is happy and easy, we communicate well, we have a lot of common interests and we also have a mutually satisfying sex life. It mainly takes the form of penetrating sex, occasional mutual masturbation and blowing him. While I really enjoy giving oral sex and my boyfriend really enjoys receiving it, I hate giving it and I’m indifferent to receiving it. It’s not a turn off, but it doesn’t really do anything for me either. Some of my friends insist that our oral preferences create an imbalance…